Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love that Heals Fear and Shame

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This, accompanied by our judgment of others, keeps us at war with life. When not faced, our fears and blame prevent us from living and loving fully. On the societal level, designating a “bad other” fuels the violence that so plagues our world today. Have you ever had that dream when you are trying to run from something, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t? Many interpret this dream as a sign that the dreamer feels inadequate. The wisdom in this story is that each of us is golden by nature; sometimes, we just need help chipping away at the mud and concrete. To discover our “Buddha nature,” we need to distinguish between "doing bad things" and being a "bad person." By becoming so focused on ourselves, and chasing what we think we want, we cut ourselves off from the things that fulfill our greatest needs: those things that keep us connected to ourselves and each other. There are two key aspects of Radical Acceptance: recognition and compassion. The first part, recognition, is what Buddhists often call mindfulness. This is the practice of understanding what is happening to us physically, mentally, and emotionally, without being ruled by it.

So the first step of radical acceptance is to practice the sacred art of pausing. This allows us to fully access our intelligence and heart. We tend to get caught up in familiar narratives or judge ourselves in familiar ways. So, if we can simply tune into what’s happening in our bodies, we can recognize particular feelings. Taking our hands off the controls and pausing is an opportunity to clearly see the wants and fears that are driving us. During the moments of a pause, we become conscious of how the feeling that something is missing or wrong keeps us leaning into the future, on our way somewhere else. This gives us a fundamental choice in how we respond: We can continue our future attempts at managing our experience, or we can meet our vulnerability with the wisdom of Radical Acceptance.” pg. 52 Radical Acceptance is a treatise on how the integration of Buddhist spirituality and meditative practices can partner with western psychotherapy, to assist us in healing and personal development.

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Western culture typically entrenches fears of inadequacy, and feelings of belonging don't come naturally. Although we have family and community bonds, many of us feel like we can't make mistakes freely, and that we're alone in dealing with things. Standards dictate that we need to compete, and if we fall short of an expectation, then we're failures. While high standards aren't always bad, the message that we're inferior if we fall short is incredibly damaging.

Breaking out of these unhealthy thoughts and coping mechanisms begins with accepting everything about ourselves, our lives, and our experiences. This means being aware of everything that’s happening inside our minds at bodies at every moment and embracing it. It means not shying away from sorrow or pain. It means recognizing our desires and dislikes without judging ourselves for them or feeling forced to act upon them. (However, Radical Acceptance does not mean accepting harmful behavior, either from ourselves or anyone else.) So it is that life becomes a series of chases. We chase the next big thing and never appreciate our achievements in their entirety. Sadly our achievements often feel hollow because they don't give us the satisfaction of feeling worthy, accepted, and as if we belong. So how can we learn to accept ourselves and to strive towards a more affirmative, healing stance on what it means to be human? What Can We Learn From Buddhism? The Zen master Seng-tsan said that to be free is to live without worrying about imperfection. Imperfections don’t mean that there’s something wrong with you, that you’re not worthy of love or respect—rather, they’re a natural and inescapable part of existence. Therefore, it’s much better to accept yourself, others, and life as they are, rather than chasing some impossible dream of how they should be.I'm not particularly spiritual, or good at sitting still and meditating. But, since I've been listening to this book, I've made more efforts throughout the day to hold a caring thought to my body and myself, especially in the moments in which I don't feel great about things. If it hasn't opened the gates of happiness, it definitely has helped in making me realize I spend way too much time running away from negative thoughts, and trying to distract myself with ephemeral things, rather than facing them. However, fear often goes beyond what’s needed to keep us alive. We may find ourselves tense and on guard, even when there’s no threat to our safety. Our minds may be working constantly, trying to figure out what will go wrong next. When this is the case, we’re in a state of defending our lives rather than living them. It’s also easy to mistakenly consider yes as a technique to get rid of unpleasant feelings and make us feel better. Saying yes is not a way of manipulating our experience, but rather an aid to opening to life as it is. While we might, as I experienced on retreat, say yes and feel lighter and happier, this is not necessarily what happens. If we say yes to a feeling of sadness, for instance, it might swell into full-blown grieving. Yet regardless of how our experience unfolds, by agreeing to what is here, we offer it the space to express and move through us.” pg. 83 So if the discussion comes to exchanging book titles this is the one I recommend as an introduction to what I'll roughly call a Buddhist approach to suffering. There are better books on meditation. There are better books on the Precepts--the founding concerns of Buddhist ethical life. There are better books on...Buddhist monastic life, lay life, activism, spirituality, sexuality, relation to psychotherapy, the tradition's kooks and heroes and Americanization. Many times since then, especially when I’ve been caught up in tension or self-judgment, I have stopped and asked myself, ’What would it be like if I could accept life—accept this moment—exactly as it is?’ Regardless of which particular mental movie has been playing, just the intention to accept my experience begins to deepen my attention and soften my heart. As I grow more intimate with the actual waves of experience moving through me, the running commentary in my mind releases its grip, and the tension in my body begins to dissolve. Each time I begin again, wakefully allowing life to be as it is, I experience that vivid sense of arriving, of reentering the changing flow of experience. This ‘letting be’ is the gateway to being filled with wonder and fully alive.” pg. 44-45